In his book, Grief is a Journey, Dr. Ken Doka writes.
“ In losing your sibling, you experience many secondary losses beyond the loss of perhaps your longest-lasting relationship.
A LAST CHANCE FOR A CLEAR HISTORY- Michael Ondaatje
A last chance for the clear history of the self
All our mothers and grandparents here
Our dismantled childhoods
In the buildings of the past.
Some great forty-day daydream
Before we bury the maps
(Michael Ondaatje; The Story from the collection-Handwriting)
Places hold people long after they are gone. The ghats of Benares, the Parvati Temple of Pune, the streets of a 1950s India — these are not just locations. These rivers and places are living archives of shared experience.
LETTER TO LOVED ONE WHO HAS PASSED AWAY
One tool I have used in different settings is writing a letter to a loved one who has passed away. On the tenth anniversary of my mother’s passing, I asked her four grandchildren to write a few lines about how they remembered their grandmother, what lessons they learned from her, and what they have been doing over the past ten years. I encourage you to try this practice for yourself. Consider setting aside a quiet moment to write a letter to someone you have lost. You might share a memory, express gratitude, or share your life today. If you would like, start by recalling a favorite moment or a lesson they taught you.
Only her granddaughter chose to write that letter (three grandsons did not respond to my request or suggestion). The letter she wrote was one of the most touching legacies of my parents. I also want to acknowledge that not everyone may feel ready or comfortable to participate in such activities, and that is completely understandable. Each person’s grief and response is unique, and there is no right or wrong way to remember or honor a loved one.
They say- Grandchildren are the future that you don’t see physically.
PLACES TOGETHER
Recently, on losing a close family member, talking to his brothers and sisters took us down memory lane. It reminded me of the 2017 visit by my aunts (mother’s sisters) to Benares, where they had grown up in the 1950s and been teenagers in the 1960s.
Mary Pipher, in her book “Reviving Ophelia,” recalls meeting a 15-year-old in 1993 and how her world was so different from 1963, when Mary was 15. So, she first had to learn from her clients to make sense of the world they were in before trying to help them. (Pipher & Gilliam,2019)
CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
As his sister recalled visits to Benares, she told me of a time I have no living memory of: going to the ghats of Benares and being afraid in a boat, as neither of us knew how to swim. Then she sang some songs from the 1960s and India, and recalled memories associated with her brother. It brought back memories of Poona (now Pune) and the way India was in the 1970s. Parvati Temple of Poona, built around 1749 by Balaji Baji Rao Peshwa, was one of our thinking places.
Like me, my sons too have no living memory of their paternal grandfather, but I have tried to reconstruct many aspects of his life, and tell these to my sons, so that they will get a sense of who their grandfather was, what India was like in which he grew up and lived, and what the defining features of life were in that period.
10000 JOYS, 10000 SORROWS: BREATHING TOGETHER MEDITATION
One mindfulness practice that has been adapted over the years is to breathe together with a fellow meditator (or set the intention to breathe mindfully in the presence of others, especially if they are not familiar with this practice and might be uncomfortable). If you are new to mindfulness or remembrance practices, here are a few simple steps you can follow:
1. Find a quiet place where you can sit comfortably, alone or with someone you trust.
2. Take a few slow, gentle breaths and allow your body to relax.
3. With each breath, bring to mind the person you wish to remember. You may imagine them at different stages of life—infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood—and gently visualize what they might have experienced at each stage.
4. If breathing with another person, focus on the rhythm of your breath and theirs, noticing the shared experience of being present together.
5. Let memories, associations, or questions arise naturally, such as: Who were their friends? What were their dreams? Who journeyed through life with them?
When I did this for my father, it took me back to the India of the 1950s, when he would study in Delhi, preparing for his pre-medical exams (He joined AIIMS-Delhi, 1958, Indian Army Medical Corps-1963). He told me about Choley Kulchas, a popular street food enjoyed by many in Delhi’s Gol Market area. Years later,I would come to savor this beloved snack myself in the Firoz Shah Kotla area of the city, where it remains a favorite among people from all walks of life.
Then father and son would go together to Golcha cinema – when I was staying in the hostel at Bahadur Shah Zafar Marg, Delhi, studying in Maulana Azad Medical college, 1980s (1985-Joining).
Being chronic hostelers, we would even spend Diwali and New Year’s in the hostel, when most people would go to their families.
The BTM-Breathing together meditation last month took my aunt and me down memory lane while we recalled the times of the 1990s and early 2000s, when our family was going through the sudden loss of my father in a car accident. Those were the days when my mother’s brothers came to support her in different ways.
SUMMARY OF TOOLS
1- Places together meditation-reflection
2- Writing a Letter to a Loved One who has passed away
3- Breathing Together Meditation
You can download worksheets of these here
EARLIER PERSPECTIVES
BENARES- (2017-November)
In a collage in my house, I have a picture of the Uniyal family from Benares in the 1960s.
Now, around 50 years down the line, I saw this picture of my aunts in the same house and saw them in a new light.
In his book, Real Life, Dr. Phil offers many interesting exercises, one of which is to write about our defining moments between the ages of 1 and 5. (and also of other age periods of one’s life)
Seeing the many recent pictures of the house, New E-10 of BHU campus, where my grandfather, Ganesh Prasad Uniyal, used to teach political science, made me remember my own time, when, between the ages of 1 and 5, I first visited Benares in the early 1970s.
GRANDFATHERS (2012-March)
I have distinct memories of my maternal grandfather, with whom I used to take walks in Lullanagar, Pune, and visit Banaras before his days in Moscow.
As part of the Mediterranean Everyday History Society project, I have been taking life story interviews of expatriates and locals, mainly in the Tripoli region. This interesting project extends to a partnership with patients, in which extended life-story interviews of relatives have been conducted.
GAPS-LETTER FROM JASOLA- (2021-JULY)
Letter writing is a habit I got from my grandfather in the 1970s.
Writing a letter to a loved one who has passed away is a remembrance ritual I have practiced regularly for over six years. Every month I write a letter to a loved one.
Sometimes I write book summaries for my grandfather. At times, I have written about how Diwali is celebrated in Canada to my grandmother, who was a devotee.
This exercise helps one see the big picture, wear the Cosmic Hat, and uniquely watch generations and geographies.
FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS
Shri Brahmi Bhatt’s father Rama Bhatt first came to Shimla from Garhwal in 1890s.
We are a family of priests and traditional healers, originally from Vaid Gaon-near the Kirti Nagar, Srinagar bridge on Alaknanda in Pauri Garhwal. Then the family shifted to Uphalda village.
Rama Bhatt and then his son Brahmi developed House number 4, Upper Kaithu Bazaar, Shimla . Links with Tara Hall, Kali Bari temples and walks around the hill temples of Shimla-Jakhoo,Tara Devi are part of our family tradition.
REFERENCES
Doka, K. J. (1999). Disenfranchised grief. Bereavement care, 18(3), 37-39.
McGraw, P. (2008). Real life: Preparing for the 7 most challenging days of your life. Simon and Schuster.
Pipher, M., & Gilliam, S. (2019). Reviving Ophelia: 25th Anniversary Edition: Saving the selves of adolescent girls. Penguin.
Prashant Bhatt's notes 