Gendered Socialisation

Boys are taught to value and lead to certain parts of them. Girls are taught to do the same but with other parts.Boys were nurtured by their caretaker, till around 4-5 years, and then for fear of being “sissified” they were wrenched away and may even be shamed for showing emotions. 

Schwartz, 2023

In the cultural context of immigrant families in North America, I found many men who are unable to express and explore their emotions.

Case scenario: Relationships, Un-Manliness and Cultural Messaging

 Tanmay (a composite), a 27-year-old graduate student, struggling after the breakup of his second online relationship came to me feeling uncertain, confused and hesitant to restart another relationship. As we went into his family of origin to see for underlying patterns, he told of how his parents stayed in the Middle East before shifting the family to Canada, while the father continued to earn and support the Canadian journey. This is a common theme found in Subcontinent origin families. As we went into the way emotions were expressed (or suppressed) in the family, the dynamic of a long-distance parent, the emotional instability with no proper economic roots in this society came forward.

Themes around “un-manliness” and what it is to be the “typical male” came up.

Terry Real, in his book,  I don’t want to talk about (1998) talked about difficulty with intimacy, workaholism, alcoholism, abusive behaviour and rage as being failed solutions to escape depression.

The Toronto Alexithymia Scale  can get one started on becoming aware of the patterns and messages which one has imbibed

Alexithymia and Immigrant journeys

Coined by Peter Sifneos in 1973, the term comes from Greek roots meaning “no words for emotions.” Alexithymia is often observed in various psychological, medical conditions and in the context of immigrant families can be experienced in varying degrees depending on the level of assimilation, marginalisation, integration and separation. (Akhtar, 2010; Sifneos, 1973)

Therapeutic Process: Third Wave-Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches like Acceptance and Commitment therapy (ACT) with focus on emotional awareness and expression can be useful in addressing these issues

For example

1. Journal of Emotions: T was encouraged to keep a journal where he noted daily events and attempted to label his feelings associated with those events.

The story of how emotions were expressed in his family of origin was started by making some jottings on how he remembers his own parents relating to his grandparents. These cultural messages can be more nuanced as we see the effect of immigration and the early years (first three to five years in Canadian society are very difficult, especially for de-credentialied professionals who try to make it through using labour market or delivery jobs)

2. Mindfulness Practices: Polyvagal theory informed approaches will help tune to one’s internal states, aiding in the recognition of subtle emotional cues.

The polyvagal journal will be aware of the dorsal vagal (freeze), sympathetic (fight , fright) and the ventral vagal (social, tend, befriend) and use this format to be more aware of one’s tendencies (Dana,2020)

HISTORICAL COMMUNITIES: HIGH PARK-TORONTO

Memorial for Portuguese Community of Toronto: Connecting with monuments commemorating the communities is a mindfulness practice which helps us Embody the many different currents which have gone into our making as a city and community

3. Psychoeducation: Awareness of emotions, their importance, and how to recognize different emotional states in himself and others can lead us to a life of greater connection and fulfilment.

Mindfulness exercise: If you see the initial 20 seconds of the video a dog started coming aggressively towards me. I have walked different areas (including cemeteries) where I have met many such dogs. And have not met any which has attacked me, as I calmly stand my ground and let them be.

References

Akhtar, S. (2010). Immigration and acculturation: Mourning, adaptation, and the next generation. Jason Aronson.

Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centered practices (Norton series on interpersonal neurobiology). WW Norton & Company.

Real, T. (1998). I don’t want to talk about it: Overcoming the secret legacy of male depression. Simon and Schuster.

Schwartz, R. (2023). You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships. Sounds True.

Sifneos, P. E. (1973). The prevalence of ‘alexithymic’ characteristics in psychosomatic patients. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 22(2-6), 255-262.